Saturday, June 22, 2013

The 239 Million Dollar Question

After a 25-year absence from the World Series, it might well be easy from time to time for a casual Dodger fan to declare the team to be terrible and simply walk away, but I'm no casual Dodger fan.

I was born in the shadow of Dodger Stadium.  I've lived my entire life in the Los Angeles area, and I've been a down home, never-say-die, bleedin' Dodger Blue fan ever since I can remember.  If I could have managed it, I would have been born wearing a Dodgers cap.

My life philosophy has been to always live within easy driving distance of Dodger Stadium, and my family knows that when I go, my final wish is to have my ashes strewn over the green, rolling Elysian Park hills that overlook the stadium beyond the outfield walls, so that every summer I'll have the best seat in the house to watch my beloved Boys in Blue.

I've seen my share of bad Dodger teams, and I have 2 sons, the oldest 21, who have only seen their favorite team play in the World Series through videotape.  The Dodgers in the Fall Classic is only a legend to them.  That said, year in and year out, I've never really given up on a team or a season.  I've always supported the Boys and felt, like that brave and wonderful 5th grade Dodger fan in giants country, Casey Johnstone, that win or lose, they're my team, dang it, and "Let's Go, Dodgers!"

But this season - this awful, appalling and horrific season is really something special.

There were Dodger teams in the past that we sort of expected to be bad, and there were teams with the assorted bum sprinkled within.  But this 2013 squad, this $239 million team that was supposed to make a serious run at winning it all, is the definition of dreadful.  They have truly made it painful to watch their games.  Half the guys seem to be sleepwalking, and the other half are just incapable of bringing forth talent they clearly don't possess.  Far too often it seems they themselves don't believe they can win.  I don't think I've ever felt quite like this before. 


This guy, that's who.  He's so bumtastic that he gets shown twice.  Can the Dodgers please stop signing pitchers with  these ridiculous tattoo arm sleeves?  Ronaldo Belisario has sleeve tattoos as well. I'm starting to see a disturbing pattern. 

Here comes another bullpen bum...

No tattoos...but there's plenty of bumtacity running up and down this guy's pitching arm.  And take off Bulldog Hershiser's number, ya bum!

This team's bummitis runs deep.  It's not just on the pitchers, we've got guys that stink at the plate as well....


While almost everyone around him has been injured, Dre here has had no such excuse.  After signing a huge contract, and being the last man standing of the Dodger veterans, Ethier had a chance to step up and show us all what he's made of.  Apparently, he's made of bummerite.  I showed him without a bat, since he really hasn't had one all season long.


I managed to resist the urge to openly call for Damn Mattingly's head most of this season, but he leaves me no choice!  This guy is a bumalicious field manager.

Just a couple of Mattingly's unexplainable, unexcusable recent game decisions: 

A tie game on the line with 2 outs and RISP, both Ellis' and Hanley Ramirez on the bench available to pinch hit, and you let Luis "I only Pop up or Strike out" Cruz bat ???????  With the game on the line?? REALLY?????????????  Result: Cruz strikes out. Dodgers never rally again. We lose.

A tie game on the line in the 7th, with Paco and Howell in the bullpen, and you bring in the aforementioned, proven Bum Guerrier????????????   REALLLYYYYY????????????  Result: Guerrier immediately gives up 2 runs.  Dodgers never recover.  We lose.

Final nail in the coffin.  In a recent interview about the Dodgers - Padres rivalry, Mattingly denied any bad blood between the teams.  He was then   asked if any teams do inspire those deep emotional feelings for the Dodgers.  His answer:  The Red Sox.  REALLY ????????????   Not the guys up north wearing Halloween colors?   The Boston Red Sox ???????????   Fire the bum!


Ned Colletti, Dodgers G.M.  Here's the guy who not only assembled this year's collection of Bums 'R' Us, but he's been bringing over a steady stream of overpaid and over-the-hill bumfection to drag my beloved team down for years. 


"If they would just let my guys juice up."

I never thought I would call my team "bums" in any other than that loveable and nostalgic Brooklyn Dodger way, but these guys have earned it.

THANKS for reading! 


  1. Ha, a great bummer of a post. Makes me grateful to be a Tigers fan right now.

    1. Thanks, buddy. It's hard trying to balance humor through the pain of it all.