Monday, September 30, 2013

My Top Ten Predictions For the Dodgers In The NLDS

 Happy days are here again as my favorite team is about to face off against the Atlanta Braves in the NLDS, which begins on Thursday.  We haven't faced each other in the postseason for 16 years, so this should be a good one.

Here come my predictions of what to look forward to and what to watch out for:
 10. Andre Ethier will make the playoff roster and will start Game 1 in center field. His sore ankle won't be much of a factor in the field because his ability to get good jumps off of batted balls will allow him to run straight lines at fly balls. He'll go on to bat over .300 with three home runs in the series.

Can anyone here manage this game?         

9. Don Mattingly will continue to fumble the batting order and use the wrong pinch hitters in the wrong ways under the wrong circumstances. Despite these and other questionable game strategies, the national media will push Mattingly forward as a serious candidate for Manager of the Year, as though his on-field decisions aren't part of the criteria for the award.

Flickr/Dan4th Nicholas
8. Channeling Ronnie Lott, Nick Punto will have his troublesome ingrown toenail completely removed. In an extra show of grit, he'll then wear that toenail around his neck, sparking a new baseball necklace fad.
7. Channeling former FEMA Director, "Heckuva Job Brownie", teflon-coated Dodgers Batting Coach Mark McGwire will continue to send batters to the plate with no viable or visible action plan.

6. Magic Johnson will show up for Game 1 at a deserted Dodger Stadium, under the mistaken belief it's his scheduled bobblehead night.
5. Starting pitcher Hyun-Jin Ryu will launch a food blog dedicated to the culinary treats offered at the Atlanta Braves' home stadium. Under the pen name "The Bloated Glove", his goal will be to sample every food item offered at Turner Field, even when that means he has to pitch an inning with a box of Tomahawk Chop Fried Tomatoes sitting behind the mound. Ryu will go on to pitch 7 innings and win Game 3.
 4. Beleaguered Bison, Matt Kemp will seemingly make it safely to Atlanta, where he will spontaneously combust upon the plane's arrival at the airport terminal.

3. Rock steady Adrian Gonzalez, El Jaguar, will continue onward as the most reliable and productive Dodger, playing every inning of every game, leading the team in home runs, RBI's and clutch hits over the series. The national - and the local Los Angeles media, for that matter - will continue to ignore his invaluable contributions.
2. Speedster Dee Gordon will not make the playoff roster, but will still make it to Atlanta, smuggled onto the Dodger's plane inside of Juan Uribe's cheek.

With apologies to
1. Rookie sensation Yasiel Puig will swing so hard on the first pitch he sees in Game 1, that his head will literally explode. His playful smile will then reappear in place, chesire cat-like. Puig will go on to steal 3 bases, hit 2 doubles and a home run - all in Game 1.

Bonus Prediction: L.A. Dodgers win it in 5. Let's go, Dodgers!

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